Why do men's magazines insist on giving men a terrible name by acting as if they're all sexist pigs? If I were a (decent) man, I would get really fucking angry at the lack of literature that doesn't encourage me to fuck mad bitches and then throw them in the nearest trash can. Courtesy of For Him Magazine: "5 Valentine's gifts she won't realize are for you."

Girlfriends are not cheap. Research has shown the average relationship will set you back a whopping £1,426 a year. Much of which is made up of garish lingerie, thigh-inflating chocolates and other fluff-addled tat bought in a desperate attempt to encourage fellatio. So it's only fair that you treat yourself once in a while. And if you can do that while making her feel like you're the most thoughtful man in the world, even better. After all, what she doesn't know about won't hurt her. Except, eventually, Chlamydia.

Cute. #3 on the list is a charmer:

Jennifer Ellison's fitness DVD

What? Ex-Brookside Scouser with anti-gravity breasts bounces around in the name of exercise.

She'll think: "How sweet – he really does care about my health and well-being. Where's that Dairy Milk?"

The reality: Jen's impossibly taught frame will inspire her to either A) actually lose some weight or B) call you an insensitive prick and throw it back in your face. So providing you're stocked up on Kleenex, it's win-win.

And #2 is priceless:

Beauty salon vouchers

What? £50 worth of attention from a perma-tanned A-level dropout.

She'll think: "He's so thoughtful. He knows I've been working late recently – a facial is exactly what I need."

The reality: You're six months in and her bush resembles roadkill. Spend the two weeks before her appointment plucking imaginary hairs from your teeth and she'll get the message.

Seriously? I don't know which is the sadder picture that FHM is painting here: that men are self-obsessed, small-brained douchebags who think primarily with their penises, or that women are emotional, oblivious prudes who are only worth your time if they're willing to give you a blowjob.

I'm glad I know better, or else I would find no reason to go on in life.